The Negative Effects of Haircuts

I don't like haircuts.

I do like before and after pictures though. They should do before and after pictures for barber advertisements instead of for hair growth products. It would be far more believable, and significantly easier to accomplish. Wait--I just realized that they could easily be doing this and then just switching the captions of "before" and "after" and using them as hair growth product advertisements! WE ARE BEING DECEIVED!

I'm over it. So anyways, let me give you my haircut-getting background information. I hope that's not too much personal information to put on the web, I don't want to be on one of those identity theft commercials. Some bald guy would be like "HAHA WHAT DO I NEED HAIRCUTS FOR ANYWAYS!" in a crazy, creepy voice.

So don't tell anyone, but I only get my hair cut like once a year. I just cut it all off, and then let it grow for a year. It’s a very Jewish approach; I only pay one fifteen dollar hair-cutting fee per year. Or three easy payments of just $4.99! Plus, if I pay with a credit card within 20 minutes of entering the salon, I get this beautiful curling iron (an $85 value!) absolutely free!

What I was trying to say before I got sidetracked from my other sidetracks, is that I find that there are several negative effects of getting a haircut. I mean excluding the fact that it never looks that good and normal stuff like that. First of all, I do not like the enormous quantity of loose hairs that attach themselves to my head/body. Showering is not even enough; they just stay there for days, sometimes weeks if they're really persevering.

Secondly, when I get a haircut, it becomes more necessary to shave. When I get that one annual haircut, suddenly I’m shaving every day. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. You see, when I have long hair, people look at my 2-week beard…okay, my 2-week stubble, and I imagine they’re thinking to themselves “Wow! This guy sure is stylistically unkempt! Very trendy!” When I have really short hair, they’re just like “This guy should probably shave. He looks dirty. I wouldn't want my daughter near him.” And I don't blame them.

Gambling

Sometimes, I ride the bus.

I ride it just enough to never know where any of the stops are. And you may think this would be horribly inconvenient, but I like to think of it as a game. For me, it’s actually very similar to Blackjack, and I can't help but love gambling. I also have a terrible sense of location in the first place, so that keeps things even more interesting. I look out the window at each stop and I’m like "…I feel like this is kinda close to where I want to go, I think, but hit me…yeah now we’re definitely in walking distance…but I’ll hit one more time. Then we go by my house and I’m like "F---…22."
…
Speaking of gambling, I think there are some fundamental flaws with its legality in this country. First of all, how the hell are we supposed to convince children that gambling is illegal when everywhere we go, those freakin' claw games entice them into throwing our quarters away? If that’s not gambling, then I don’t know what is! I know for a fact that I have a better chance of winning the slot machines or a game of Texas Hold'em than snagging Leo the Lion who is covered by two other hideous stuffed animals, a teletubby, and a giant rubber dreidel for ethnic diversity. And as if that wasn't enough, Leo has a shape that can’t possibly be grasped by a three-pronged claw. S--t, I get mad just thinking about it!

Stubborn Buttons

I'm so sick of buttons.

Not like clicky buttons, I love those. I could press a cool button all day. I hate like clothing buttons.

I feel like buttons are like wild animals that have been taken captive. I swear to God, I've never met a button that doesn't desperately want to fall off. I mean, the snap is annoying and inconvenient, but it's at least reliable. Never has my day been negatively effected/affected by a snap. (I still don't know the rules of affect and effect.) The zipper will break on the rare occasion, but at least he's not going anywhere. But the button--oh the button--I'll be having a perfectly good time, and the button just insists on trying to fall off. He's like "I know I've only been here for a few days on this new jacket, but I'm still gonna try to at least loosen up by the end of the night."

Every item of apparel I own with buttons has at least one stubborn button who's trying to get the hell out of there. I understand, button, that you have been taken out of your home and attached to my clothing, but I am not your enemy! I would rather have a different sealing apparatus too, but I don't manufacture the clothes! If you fall off, the button above you is going to think it's acceptable behavior, and before you know it, the two sides of my jacket will have no bridge with which to make a connection!

Gift Card Redemption Scam

Has anyone else ever tried the online gift card redemption scam?

I bet you have.

You know how when you go to redeem gift card online, after you type in the ten digit alphanumeric code or whatever…sorry, I just get really excited every time I have the opportunity to use the word alphanumeric. It makes very simple things sound extremely complicated. "Just type the numbers and letters on the cap to get your prize." Not cool. "Just enter the alphanumeric code from the cap to get your prize." Cool.

I actually hate how they have codes on the caps now. They know everyone is way to lazy to actually do that. They could be giving away 3 billion dollars and a one night stand with Rachel McAdams, and still, nobody would take the time to check the freakin' code. I miss the good old days of "Sorry. Try again." They should have just been "Sorry, nobody ever actually wins, but please keep buying our soda!"

But anyways, after you type in the alphanumeric code online for these gift cards, it will say something like “Thank you for redeeming your gift card worth $15”. But I’m a smart kid, I think to myself, “Hey there are lots of gift cards worth way more than $15!”

So what do I do? I start changing like one number or letter of the code. I'll change an X to a K and a 4 to a 7 and then expect it to be like "Thank you for redeeming your $1000 gift card!" I mean, it hasn’t worked yet, but it’s only a matter of time...right? Probability dictates that...whatever, I'll just assume it's gonna work out for me.

Personalized License Plates

I love it when terrible drivers have personalized license plates with their names on them. You know, you're sitting there driving like a normal human being, (or in the passenger's seat in my case...) and some egotistical asshole cuts you off and nearly runs you off the road. You look up and see the asshole's name.

It's great. Because just screaming at another nobody is so unsatisfying. Nobody wants to get cut off by some anonymous jerk. Nobody wants to get cut off by 7239VR. You want a distinguishing feature. You want a rich 18-year old who's talking on his bluetooth in a BMW with a vanity plate that says the kid's name.

You can't be agressive when a mother cuts you off in a Ford Windstar because she's in a rush to pick up little Davey from the soccer game. But oh, when BMW boy cuts you off, and you see his name on the license plate, it's incredibly gratifying to be able to scream "F--- YOU KEVIN H! F--- YOU!"

A Guide to Securing the Nation

I think we should stop looking for Bin Laden.

Yeah, I said it, we should stop looking for Osama. Just completely and totally stop looking for the guy. Don't get me wrong--I love America. That's exactly why I think we should stop looking.

Think about it. Is there anything in the entire world that's more frustrating than when you're playing a game of Hide and Seek and whoever is "it" just stops looking for you? You know, everyone else is in on it, they're all just like eating lunch, and they just let you keep hiding for hours.

Imagine that multiplied to the magnitude of this situation. Osama would come out in like eight years and just be like "WHAT THE F#%@ MAN!? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THE GAME WAS OVER!? I'VE BEEN HIDING UNDER THE IRONING BOARD IN MOM'S CLOSET SINCE 1999. Hey, did you see me in 2003!? I saw someone open the door and I thought I was dead, but then nobody came all the way in. You did see me, you bastard!"

He wouldn't even have the heart to terrorize the world anymore, he'd just be way too embarressed. Suicide would be inevitable.